What can I say?

Found another thing I can worry about, which is good because I never seem to have my worry plate quite full enough. Vows! Holy crap, the more I thought about it the worse it got. I'm not a public speaker, as anyone who took Speech with me in 6th grade can attest. Although I'm no longer afraid to do it, I still don't like it. Nor am I a speech writer. This blog is more like a bunch of rambling. Lots of people write their own, and good for them. I've heard some truly awful vows, though. "I promise not to give you the Dutch oven or ask you to bring me a beer when I'm watching sports unless it's the Superbowl". She should have taken that opportunity to turn to her family, say, "Look at this winner!" and run far away. It's going to be a day when I've got a million things running through my head, so even if we did write our own vows I'd probably forget them. I've already purchased waterproof mascara because I know I'm going to be emotional, so anything much more than "I do" might make me lose it. Nobody wants to see a bride with that "ugly cry" face, especially not me in photos later! Jerry's a brilliant writer, but I know if he recites anything he's written I'll just start blubbering. This leads me to think we should have the officiant read something. We don't want the typical "thee and thou" vows, so I guess we need to find something suitable. I think it'd be too much to ask Jerome the Elvis Tribute Artist to come up with something, and then I'd want to approve it beforehand anyway. Just to let you know what that might sound like, I did a search for "Elvis Wedding Reading". Here's something from a site I found. It actually said this:
'Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to witness before family and friends the exchange of solemn vows between (first and last name) and (first name) "WHO LOVES YA, BABY?" (last name).
If there be any suspicious minds present in the audience doncha think it's time to speak now or never - their love won't wait.
(First and last name), repeat after me:
It only took one night to get stuck on you,and now my wish came true, you big hunka hunka burnin' love!I thought you were nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time,but now I know you're my teddy bear'cause tigers play too rough and lions ain't the kind you love enough.So kiss me quick and love me tender for I can't help falling in love with you.
(First name) "WHO LOVES YA, BABY?" (last name), repeat after me:
It took a hard headed woman to make me king of the whole wide world.I thought you were the devil in disguise but you turned out to be my puppet on a string.I used to live in the hotel down the end of lonely streetbut now it's viva las vegas 'cause I need your love tonight.
Please take this moment to exchange your gifts of love.
By the powers vested in me I now re-pronounce you "husband and femme" but remember, there is no return to sender. You may kiss your cousin. Please join me in welcoming Mr. AND Mrs. "WHO LOVES YA, BABY?" (last name). Folks, this has got me all shook up, so please love me tender.' That would be funny, but wasn't it Telly Savalas who said, "Who loves ya, baby"?

Of course, this goes from being vows to being a reading. All you have to do is Google "wedding readings" and tons of sites come up. Some actually want you to pay, but plenty have free samples typed right out, including poetry, Bible verses, song lyrics, etc. I started thinking about some of my favorite songs, and they really don't fit the bill. Even the classic, "Nothing Compares 2 U", although the title is right, a song about a person that's dumped you just doesn't seem appropriate. Maybe I could ask Jerry to find something just right. He's so well-read, I'm sure he'd do much better than I would. The search is on, but don't be surprised if we can't come up with something and you see our Elvis tribute artist channeling Telly Savalas.