I Know You Are, But What Am I?

When I was a kid, I lived for the opportunity to crack a joke. If another kid opened themselves up for a zinger, well so be it. A classic is the old, "What's that smell?" Of course, you know what comes next - "It's your upper lip!" I never knew exactly what that meant, except that maybe it ran along the same lines as "whoever smelt it dealt it". There were even little songs you could sing to someone who was messing with you. I feel it's important to pass on traditions, so I taught my girls a few gems from my childhood spent traveling the globe in the not-at-all glamorous way only the military can provide. You may not have even ever heard them before, so I think it's important to put them here, so as to document them and save them for posterity.

This is one you say after you point to something nonexistent and the sucker actually turns their head. "I made you look, you dirty crook. You stole my mother's pocketbook. And with a dime you bought a lime, and now you look like Frankenstein."

Use this gem when you get into one of those "so" arguments. You know, like someone tells you about one of your flaws and you say so, then they say so. After the word so is thrown about several times, just use this. "So, so, suck your toe. All the way to Mexico. While you're there, hug a bear. Don't forget your underwear!" How can they possibly have a comeback for that one?

And lastly, the final answer to the yo momma joke. "Yo momma, yo daddy, yo greasy, greasy granny with a hole in her panties who goes beep, beep, beep down Sesame Street". Okay, that doesn't make much sense but it may stun them enough to stop the teasing.

What the heck could this possibly have to do with an adult woman talking about wedding stuff? You'd be surprised! There are actually some truths to some of these childhood sayings. This summer my Mom wanted to go shopping, so all the girls (meaning Mom, Marilyn, Erin and me) got in the car and went to the big 2-story mall in Tallahassee. Mom was in a makeup mood (maybe this stuff is genetic). We go over to the Bobbi Brown makeup counter and try some foundation. I start talking to makeup artist about how pale I am, but my daughter is even paler - meaning Marilyn. I even point right to her, but she keeps on pointing at Erin, saying she isn't too pale. My ego just takes that as a compliment that she can't believe I'm old enough to have a child as grown as Marilyn. Mom treats us to some makeup, and as a gift I receive some tinted moisturizer. This weekend I decided I'd try the moisturizer instead of my regular foundation and put some on. That Saturday I took the girls to Wal-Mart. I know, we go there a lot. I had to get Marilyn's prescription. While standing in line for the pills, I notice something. For some reason my Gwen Stefani G perfume has it's sweet coconutty smell, but with a slight musk to it. Urg, it's bothering me! Is it someone else in line? No, because I smell it later when I get home and we're eating lunch. What happened to my perfume - did my body's chemical balance suddenly get thrown off? I can't stand this new smell. I ask Jerry to smell my neck, but he says it still smells good to him. He's so sweet. I don't think he'd tell me I was stinky even if I had just wrestled a skunk. The smell starts bothering me so much I contemplate taking another shower to get the perfume off, since just splashing it with water and rubbing it with a towel didn't seem to touch it. Jerry asks me again if I'm sure it's my perfume. Well, of course it is. What else could it possibly be? I make a silly face when he asked, pursing my lips together. Then I inhaled. Oh, there it is, that smell! Hey, could it be my tinted moisturizer, I ask. Jerry, who always listens to me when I ramble on about silly things, says, "But didn't you wear it yesterday?" He was right, I did. I'm confused because I didn't notice the smell yesterday. How could that have been possible? I rubbed my finger roughly underneath my nose, and sure enough, the smell has lessened. The lightbulb goes off - I didn't smell it yesterday because I had also powdered my face! I dash to the bathroom and apply some powder and suddenly the offending odor has vanished. I came back laughing, telling Jerry that the old joke could be true. Next time I ask what that smell is, I may just purse my lips to see if it isn't my upper lip!

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