3 Cheers for Pom-Poms!

We've been thinking about different ways to decorate the venue (which, by the way, I did manage to reserve). The space is pretty big, so we'll need plenty of stuff. Luckily my sister Jill's friend Catina still had all the stuff left over from her wedding 2 years ago. Hmm, maybe she should read my post about hoarders. Anyway, her colors were pink and white and she said I'm welcome to use anything she had as long as it was back before her sister gets married a few weeks later. Okay, not only am I cheap, I'm lazy so I asked Catina if she wouldn't mind just taking all her stuff with her when she left my reception. She's got no problem with that, so we'll borrow her stuff. She's got some flowers, I think. She also has pew markers, whatever those are, but since we don't have any pews I guess I won't worry about them. I start looking at decorating ideas on wedding sites. Wow, they really know how to spend money! I did see a lot of pom-poms, though. You know what they are - they're those tissue paper flower looking things that are suspended from the ceilings. They sell on etsy for around $3 each. Not bad, but I think I can do better. While at picking up prescriptions at Wal-Mart I went over to the gift wrapping section and grab 2 packs of white tissue with black polka dots, 6 sheets each for $1. Each pack will make 1 pom each, although I know an ideal pom has 8 sheets. Later we're at Dollar Tree and I grab a pack of plain white tissue, but this is 40 sheets, or 5 poms, for $1! These are very simple to make. All you do is stack your 8 sheets of tissue, then fold them accordion style. Remember making paper fans as a kid? It's exactly like that. Then find the center and secure with wire (I used left over wire from making the flowers). After that, just trim the edges, either rounded or pointed, whatever you prefer. So far I've got 7 poms. I know I've got a lot more to go, but it's a good start. Unfortunately, Dollar Tree only sells white tissue in 40 sheets. Maybe I can hang outside Victoria's Secret and ask shoppers as they exit the store if they wouldn't mind donating their hot pink tissue to a worthy cause.

Taking the Cake

I've been pondering something - if neither Jerry nor I am paying for something for the wedding, do I include it in our budget? I was doing this to keep track of my spending, but if I'm not spending I'm prone to think I don't need to count it. My mother and sister have gotten in on the planning and are so excited. I really think I could just step back and let them take over and they'd have such a great time. I do realize, though, that handing over planning means handing over any control I have. It's funny, though, to walk through a store with them. We all went to Sam's Club last night to see what they had. Jill found some pretty neat plastic plates that are square shaped that I really liked. Of course, she asked if I liked them when I finally made it over to that part of the store. When I said I really did, and I wouldn't mind having real dinnerware that looked like that she said, "Good, because we all decided we liked them, too." I'm almost positive she would have put them back if I'd not liked them. Almost. They also threw into the cart flatware, napkins and several boxes of those yummy pinwheel sandwiches they can keep in the freezer. Every time they'd look at something they'd turn to us and ask if it was something we wanted. Then we strolled over to the cake section. Their prices were pretty good - 30 cupcakes for $12. I just had one problem - I hate the taste of generic grocery store frosting. Just the thought of it sends me into a sugar coma. I know some people love it, and bully for them. Mom decided the best way for us to know if the frosting was good was to purchase a box of cupcakes. She got the ones with Elmo (you know, the Sesame Street monster) rings on top. They came in all sorts of bright colors - yellow, green and blue. Since we were in several cars we opened the plastic container of cupcakes, which, in case you're wondering, takes 5 people to do while standing over a shopping cart and trying to keep the tray balanced while trying to pry off the lid that, once you pry one side off tends to re-seal itself shut on the opposite side. Jill, Jerry and Erin all grabbed a cupcake, each of a different color. Everyone agreed the whipped topping frosting was delicious and the cupcakes moist. Somehow Jill managed to keep the yellow from staining her lips. Erin, however, looked like she was a zombie with her green teeth and lips. She thought it was hilarious. So did Jerry, who only fared a little better, looking like he had corpse lips with a blue tinge. Everybody was laughing and having a great time. Good to know that the icing colors stain, too. I was hoping to have cupcakes of all of the wedding colors. When I asked the girl at the bakery what they meant by "black frosting available for only a limited time", she said that meant it only came in that sugary-sweet icing and not the yummy frosting everyone enjoyed. Okay, so I'll order about 4 black cupcakes, and the folks who eat them will have black teeth and lips. Serves them right for liking that nasty frosting anyway.

To Top It All Off

I started a project during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend and just recently finished. Not that I worked on it every day. It actually took me a while to build up the nerve to really get started on it in earnest, but I have finally finished our cake topper! The first thing I had to do was research on line how to go about making characters out of Sculpey. A wire frame, or armature, was the secret to holding up those cute characters. I drew off a rough shape to my character and bent wires until I had the shape I wanted, coiling the ends of the wires at the feet so my character could stand up. After figuring that all out, I took the plunge and started putting "flesh" on my wire skeleton. It was a little scary to do at first, but I just decided to dive right in. Erin even helped out, as she's been working with Sculpey a lot longer than I have. She made my feet and legs, put pink shoes on the bottom. That took us about 3 days total, working on and off when we could. I used some tools my Mom bought a couple of years ago when she dabbled in making fondant flowers and put a pattern on my dress. The more I worked on the project the more I enjoyed it. I showed it to Jerry every step of the way so he could see how it was going and give me a second opinion. He loved it every time, which made me very happy. I did everything except put eyes on them, not sure if they even needed them. I didn't tell that to Jerry, but when he saw them with blank faces he said, "I don't think they even need eyes - love is blind." On the same page, as always. Hopefully my hair will hold curl as well as the Sculpey me did!

Not exactly the youthful complexion I had in mind.

I figured with a little over 4 months to go I should start a skin regimen that would have me looking great by the big day. I washed my face daily with a non-comedogenic foaming wash and before heading off to bed I'd apply some Retin-A cream, which is well known for it ability to smooth out the fine lines and make your skin look glowing. It also is very drying. That's how you get younger looking skin, by peeling off the top layer, I guess. Knowing that, I diluted the Retin-A with some moisturizing lotion given to me by a dermatologist. Smart, right? That's what I thought, anyway. After 2 weeks of this ritual I woke up to a horrible break-out. Not just a few little blemishes but several full-blown ugly, 3-D monsters on my face. No amount of makeup can hide them, either. Trying to keep it from becoming even worse, I spot treat with a medication for just that sort of problem, again from the dermatologist. None of that over the counter stuff - the free samples of the expensive stuff. That didn't clear it up, but instead made my skin very dry. That means when I tried to camouflage with makeup it really stood out because the foundation really accentuates the dry skin. Ooh, pretty! I immediately stopped that face cleansing routine. I have to look at this positively - at least I didn't start that routine a few weeks before the wedding and have this scary look going on then or I'd be spending a lot of time on Photoshop fixing my face before emailing any photos. Now my goals are much simpler than a youthful complexion, I will now just try to keep from breaking out!

Cake Ache

A few weeks ago Jerry and I went to Publix (a nice grocery store chain) to pick up a few things. I figured since we were there and I was strolling through the bakery section anyway, I'd ask a friendly worker about cake prices. She pulled out a little sheet she had hidden away and asked me how many people were attending. As of now we've got a list of about 50 people, so that's what I said. They price their cake by the layer, so a 14 inch layer costs so much, and a 10 inch layer a little less, etc. But don't forget to add in the cost of a filling. Everybody wants filling in their cakes. That seemed to cost about $4 extra per layer. Every little added on flourish also costs extra, of course. Well, I'd be happy with a plain cake, no flourish. I plan on adding a band of ribbon around the base of each layer and putting our cake topper, where else, on top. She does a little math on a scrap of paper (without adding the filling cost in, mind you), and it came out to be about $200. That's $4 per slice, if you were trying to figure it out in your head. I've seen enough of those fantastically impossible wedding cake shows to know that $200 sounds pretty inexpensive. But those wild cakes you see on TV are very fancy, take hours and hours of artistic work and usually serve 150-200 people. These things start around $1000. Now, if you break that down and get a cake for 200 at $1000, that makes each slice $5. When I look at it that way, the Publix cake doesn't seem like that great a bargain. She also didn't know if they could make the fondant in any color other than white and, of course, the person who might know was nowhere to be found. I know frosting would be a disaster in late May, so it needs to be fondant. Maybe I should keep looking around. I know I don't want to go to Wal-Mart for a wedding cake. I've gagged down enough of their birthday cake at children's parties to know I don't want to serve that to anyone I like on purpose. Maybe I'll call a few mom and pop businesses and see what their prices are. Suddenly those cute little cupcake towers don't seem quite as silly as they once did.

Feeling a tiny bit accomplished.

The other day I sat down with my large collection of flowers I had made and divvied them up into 5 separate bouquets. I let the girls select some of their favorites, and thankfully then really didn't like too many of the same ones. Once they were all in their own little piles I twisted all of the wires together and then covered the wires with floral tape. Then, from a tip I picked up from a youtube video, I wrapped the stems with a Kleenex and then taped that down. That makes the "handle" look smoother and helped keep the wires from poking so much. After that I wrapped each bouquet with some light pink tulle I'd bought a while ago. I secured these down with a white hairband then reinforced it with a little hot glue. I had 2 yards and had enough to finish 4 of the bouquets. Erin's bouquet was a little different. I had a lime green bath puff that I cut the string off of. It looks exactly like tulle, but these come in colors that may not be available in tulle. I wrapped the handle and then made the ruffly part underneath the flowers (I have no idea what that could be called aside from wire camouflage), securing it with a white ribbon. It looks really cute and if I hadn't told you it was a bath puff you'd never know it. After finishing with the tulle, I then wrapped a ribbon around the base of each hairband and secured it with hot glue as well. Each bouquet contained a ribbon heart, so I decided to match the ribbon with the heart for each one. Then I tied a bow on each. For mine I used one ribbon in each of the colors, but instead of tying a bow, I tied a knot. It just seemed more appropriate. They look cute!

Perhaps the world's worst how-to

I've been seeing these really cute "flower balls", or more correctly pomanders, being carried by flower girls in lieu of a basket with flowers for the poor child to scatter all over on-line wedding sites. The picture is of the one I made. Looking around, I discovered I happened to have leftover ribbon from making the bouquets, one 3 inch Styrofoam ball (the other was that came in the set of 2 was cut in half and used to make eyeballs for a Halloween costume) and 4 bunches of artificial pink hydrangeas I bought a year ago to use as home decor. Here's how I made a pomander for Kendall. First, I took a skewer and drove it straight through the Styrofoam ball. Then I cut about 18 inches of ribbon, sealed the ends with a lighter, and found the center. Placing the blunt end of the skewer in the center of the ribbon, I then pushed the ribbon inside the ball through the hole I'd already made until it emerged from the other end. Be careful not to shove it entirely through, but tie the loose ends in a knot to secure it. Next, I cut each bloom off the plastic, leaving about an inch of stem. Starting at the top, I stuck each bloom into the ball until it was completely covered with flowers. I had just enough. I then got out the hot glue gun and made sure everything was stuck down well. Now Kendall can carry this cute pomander in the wedding and have a little memento to take home as well.

Honeymoonin'

Went back to check out Savannah yesterday (online, that is). Signed up for a free weekend they were giving away. I'm all for a free trip. That'd be the best way to pay for a honeymoon. Browsing around I see that just about every bed & breakfast and hotel starts around $100 a night and just goes up from there. I guess that's to be expected from a town that makes almost all of its money from tourists. I just don't see any way around paying that much for a place for Jerry and me to stay, no matter where it is we decide to go. We don't know anyone who owns a hotel or has an extra house just sitting around. Since work was verrrry slow yesterday I took all of that extra time I had and did some searching. There were lots of sweepstakes listed, so I decided not to waste my time with a prize I didn't want - like a trip to the Superbowl. Not only do we not enjoy football, I think it would be weird to have the honeymoon before the wedding. It is being held in Dallas this year (if I read the sweepstakes descriptions right), and that is on our list of potential places to go. I can't imagine the crowds in town that weekend. Of course, it'd probably be a great time to go anywhere else in town and not worry about overcrowding. Doubt the museums would be filled to capacity that day. The only bad thing about winning an expensive vacation is that we'd have to pay taxes on it. I figure the taxes would be about what we'd spend on a hotel, but since we'd have air fair and stuff included we'd come out ahead in the end. That being said, I am a realist and realize that the odds of winning a sweepstakes is pretty slim. We'll keep planning our honeymoon, just with our fingers crossed.

A Cautionary Tale

Helped Marilyn pay for a car so she can have something for college; my portion is her Christmas/graduation present. Like most used cars, this one needed a little something done. Okay, a big something done - it shimmied at 55, so it needed an alignment. Then when they went to check the tires, it seems one was dry rotted and the other had an exposed wire. We wouldn't want a blow out, so I had to get them. While in the waiting area of the local Road Mart, one of the guys working there decided to tell a story. I can't remember what brought this on exactly, but he sure was ready to let us all hear it. "I've been married 25 years, and the first Christmas we were married I went out and bought my wife what I thought was the best gift I could have given her - a $200 vacuum cleaner. I was so proud of it. I wrapped it up real nice and took it over to her momma's so everyone could watch her unwrap it. After she opened it in front of everybody her momma took me into the kitchen and told me, 'Son, don't you ever buy a woman something to clean with as a gift!' I learned my lesson." I could just tell by the way the story flowed from his mouth that he'd told it a million times. I'd be willing to bet this is his one good marriage story. I turned to Jerry and asked him if he'd ever do that. He said, "If it was a Dyson. But then I'd probably get it for myself."

Location, location, location!

Jerry just found out that the venue we were seriously considering is up for sale. They haven't gone out of business or anything. It seems more like they're looking for some investors to keep their place afloat. So with 5 months to go, it looks like our plans are up in the air as far as location. Good thing Jerry said, "Let's not put down a deposit quite yet, they might not be in business then," about 4 months ago when we found the place. We should be able to get updates, and maybe by 3 months out we'll put down the deposit. If they've closed their doors, I guess we'll have to go somewhere else. I have a couple of places in mind already whose cost fits our budget. One is the place where Jerry did a play recently. It's not very fancy and could really use some cleaning up, but there's plenty of space and already has tables and chairs. The other place is a little art museum in the town where I grew up. It's not ideal because I don't ever remember seeing seating, so I wonder if I'd have to rent it separately or if they just don't allow them there. I've been there several times for art shows and they do seem to have several long tables to put out appetizers, so maybe they've got some chairs stored away somewhere. I also vaguely know the lady who runs the place as well as the lady who owns it. Wonder if they'd make a deal to a fellow artist. Maybe Jerry and I should think about other places to consider, just so we'll have something to choose from should our first choice fall through. I must be a little concerned about it as that's what I dreamed about last night - Jerry and I were just driving around stopping in all these businesses, asking what they charge for holding receptions. I'm hoping real life prices are much better than the ones in my dream!

Hair Brained

When I was younger and I'd do anything I considered out of the ordinary I'd worry I was the only person in the world who did that particular thing. As I got older I realized that no matter how strange your habit, you aren't the only person who does it. To prove my point, there is now actually a show on television called "My Strange Addiction". The previews alone are enough to keep me away. They show clips, for instance, of a lady driving down the road munching on a roll of toilet paper, picking off pieces and popping them in her mouth like they're cotton candy. I've heard of people that have a compulsion to eat paper before, but she decided to put herself out there and show the world. Maybe she could get professional help with the money they paid her. She'll probably just buy more toilet paper with it, though. I think a quick and easy way to get her to break that habit would be to only supply her with pre-used tissue. Another clip showed an adult woman who can't stop sucking her thumb. So, when I noticed that every time I styled my hair I would wonder if it was the look I want for our wedding, I knew it wasn't too out of the ordinary. It hasn't become an obsession because I'm not constantly styling and restyling my hair, just trying a few different things to see what the results will be, and then only when I need to style my hair to begin with. I've looked at literally hundreds of hairstyles, and so far nothing has made me say, "That's it! That's exactly what I want. I need look no further." I guess the best way to find what's right for me is to actually have the style on my own head with my own hair. I have ended up with frizzy nightmares several times, so I can check those styles right off my list. If, after a few more months of trial and error I still don't happen across anything I want, I'll do what those poor folks on "My Strange Addiction" need to do - seek professional help.

Rah, Rah!

I feel like being a cheerleader today and telling Jerry what a wonderful man he is. He always thinks of me first, always cares about what I'm thinking or wanting to do. If he sees I'm having a stressful day he makes me laugh to ease the tension. I've told him that I couldn't have special ordered anyone more perfect for me if I'd had a menu to select from like they do at sushi bars where you can check off exactly what you'd like. Just last night he was my hero. Marilyn got a car that we purchased from my nephew. I wanted to take Jerry to a Chinese restaurant he'd never been to before, so I had him follow me in his car. Good thing, because he noticed one of the brake lights and the turn signals was out. I've never been pulled over (knock wood), and would hate to start now. After we ate we drove over to the Auto Zone where Jerry went in, told them what I needed, then borrowed the tools they have available and fixed my problem. I noticed that lots of people have car problems, as evidenced by the full parking lot. And it wasn't just old, beat up junkers in there getting new parts. I saw someone I went to school with who owns a new Volkswagen Jetta in the store. I overheard her talking to the clerk about how she took it into the shop like her owner's manual said and $200 she still had the problem. Even if he hadn't been able to fix the car, I hope Jerry knows how lucky I am to have him back in my life, for more reasons than there are stars in the sky.

I wonder when the panic sets in.

I've signed up to get emails from a couple of wedding sites. I've talked about the Martha Stewart one before; they send out a daily wedding idea about invitations, decorations, destinations, etc. I've also registered with theknot.com. They send out emails and they also have a way for you to keep track of ideas you like. You just enter in your email address, name and the wedding date and location and you're ready for your daily emails. I don't check it all the time; I wait a couple of days and then look at them all at once because more than likely I don't want to read an article about Atlanta vendors (because my hiney isn't driving 4 hours for anything I can find nearby with a little searching) or 10 Things Your Guests Will Hate You For. Okay, that's not the real title, but that's the gist of it. It seemed like the biggest gripe guests had was the couple didn't have an open bar. "How dare they think I'd actually enjoy sharing in their very special day without an endless supply of liquor!" I don't think the venue we're planning on using even allows alcohol, so if you've decided to come because of free booze, don't bother. Off the top of my head I can think of one couple who, if reading this, has just decided to send a gift instead. And that's okay with me. Go out and party afterwards if you need to. I just don't want to be responsible for contributing to a tragedy on my wedding day. The scariest thing on the entire site, though has got to be their ticker that tells you how many days you have left until your wedding. Just today it said "151", but I'm not worried yet. There have to be women out there who see that number dip below 200 and think they don't have enough time to get everything organized. And if you'd like to have a little more to panic about, try using their "To-Do List", which has about 300 things you'll need to get in order before you can possibly walk down the aisle. I'll give them credit, though. They really have thought of almost everything possible to get taken care of. Thankfully a lot of it isn't stuff I need to worry about, like finding a dress, getting the first fitting, getting the final fitting. I think the only thing they left off that list is "find time to relax."

One project down, one million more to go!

I hope it isn't bad luck to say that I've completed a project. I have officially made 150 flowers out of tissue paper, coffee filters, felt, buttons, ribbons or some combination of the above. If I make decorations, it won't be any flowers, but maybe huge pom poms out of tissue paper made in the same fashion. While counting I discovered the majority of the flowers are some sort of paper, which is good because they are much larger than the other flowers and will help to make the bouquets full. Although I love the way the button flowers look, it'd have taken me a lot more time (not to mention money) to have a bouquet made solely out of them. I've already added in this cost in my last recap of spending. I guess 50 flowers for me, and then 25 for both girls, my sister and then the one to toss. Does that add up to 150? I hope so, because I've told myself I've finished making flowers!

Handy Tip for the Lazy Crafter

Okay, not much to talk about today. I've been trying to finish up my flowers. That's when I ran into a problem. The hot pink ribbon I take off of the Victoria's Secret shopping bags is always wrinkled. It's because the ends are tied in knots to secure the ribbons like handles to the bags. What's a crafter to do, use wrinkled ribbon? Nope, not me. Also, not being one who'd like to break out the ironing board and huge iron, I tried to figure something else out. I got out the hair straightener and plugged it in. After about 5 minutes I timidly ran the first piece of ribbon through it. Some of the wrinkles came out, so I did it again, this time pressing a bit harder. The ribbon was wrinkle-free! Now I can finish this project. If you try it, test it first, but it definitely worked for me.

Dressed Up

If you follow this blog, you know I've already purchased dressed for my daughters (at $10 each). They're pretty plain strapless A-line dresses in honeysuckle. That's the color; the dresses aren't made of flowers. Honeysuckle also just so happens to be the "color of the year" for next year. What were the odds of that happening? Of course, I purchased these dresses months ago, just in case you think I'm a slave to trends. I've decided to give the girls a budget of $20 each (extravagant, I know) to give their dresses a little personality. I think the first thing Erin will want to invest in is some sort of straps, or an addition to make the top not so, in her words, "boobalicious". Please note that "boobalicious" is not the same as "Bieberlicious", a word I made up to tease probably the only 2 young females who aren't infatuated with Justin Bieber. For example, we'd see a boy in the mall with that silly haircut you apparently have to swing your head all the time to make stay in place (hey, ever heard of hairspray?). I'd say, "Look at that boy. You could date him - he's Bieberlicious." I get the eye rolls and the moans and then the laughter, which is what I'm after to begin with. Back to boobalicious - that is not where she wants attention focused, so we'll be finding a way to make it more modest looking (not that it's immodest to begin with). I imagine her finding a black fishnet long-sleeved shirt and putting it on underneath, which again is fine with me. It might be cute for her to punk up the dress. That's very fitting with her style and personality. Marilyn, on the other hand, will want to glam hers up. We'll probably be adding some black lace to hers, either at the waist, along the hem or at the top. She also likes big sashes, so that might be what she ends up having. I think it will be fun for them to play designer and have a finished product that's something they could wear again.

What can I say?

Found another thing I can worry about, which is good because I never seem to have my worry plate quite full enough. Vows! Holy crap, the more I thought about it the worse it got. I'm not a public speaker, as anyone who took Speech with me in 6th grade can attest. Although I'm no longer afraid to do it, I still don't like it. Nor am I a speech writer. This blog is more like a bunch of rambling. Lots of people write their own, and good for them. I've heard some truly awful vows, though. "I promise not to give you the Dutch oven or ask you to bring me a beer when I'm watching sports unless it's the Superbowl". She should have taken that opportunity to turn to her family, say, "Look at this winner!" and run far away. It's going to be a day when I've got a million things running through my head, so even if we did write our own vows I'd probably forget them. I've already purchased waterproof mascara because I know I'm going to be emotional, so anything much more than "I do" might make me lose it. Nobody wants to see a bride with that "ugly cry" face, especially not me in photos later! Jerry's a brilliant writer, but I know if he recites anything he's written I'll just start blubbering. This leads me to think we should have the officiant read something. We don't want the typical "thee and thou" vows, so I guess we need to find something suitable. I think it'd be too much to ask Jerome the Elvis Tribute Artist to come up with something, and then I'd want to approve it beforehand anyway. Just to let you know what that might sound like, I did a search for "Elvis Wedding Reading". Here's something from a site I found. It actually said this:
'Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to witness before family and friends the exchange of solemn vows between (first and last name) and (first name) "WHO LOVES YA, BABY?" (last name).
If there be any suspicious minds present in the audience doncha think it's time to speak now or never - their love won't wait.
(First and last name), repeat after me:
It only took one night to get stuck on you,and now my wish came true, you big hunka hunka burnin' love!I thought you were nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time,but now I know you're my teddy bear'cause tigers play too rough and lions ain't the kind you love enough.So kiss me quick and love me tender for I can't help falling in love with you.
(First name) "WHO LOVES YA, BABY?" (last name), repeat after me:
It took a hard headed woman to make me king of the whole wide world.I thought you were the devil in disguise but you turned out to be my puppet on a string.I used to live in the hotel down the end of lonely streetbut now it's viva las vegas 'cause I need your love tonight.
Please take this moment to exchange your gifts of love.
By the powers vested in me I now re-pronounce you "husband and femme" but remember, there is no return to sender. You may kiss your cousin. Please join me in welcoming Mr. AND Mrs. "WHO LOVES YA, BABY?" (last name). Folks, this has got me all shook up, so please love me tender.' That would be funny, but wasn't it Telly Savalas who said, "Who loves ya, baby"?

Of course, this goes from being vows to being a reading. All you have to do is Google "wedding readings" and tons of sites come up. Some actually want you to pay, but plenty have free samples typed right out, including poetry, Bible verses, song lyrics, etc. I started thinking about some of my favorite songs, and they really don't fit the bill. Even the classic, "Nothing Compares 2 U", although the title is right, a song about a person that's dumped you just doesn't seem appropriate. Maybe I could ask Jerry to find something just right. He's so well-read, I'm sure he'd do much better than I would. The search is on, but don't be surprised if we can't come up with something and you see our Elvis tribute artist channeling Telly Savalas.

Sit On It!

I know I complain a lot about how my head hurts. Enough about that. Now I'm going to complain about my back and legs hurting. It all comes from having to sit for more than 8 hours a day in a chair doing my work. I make a point to get up once an hour and walk a little, but it really isn't helping all that much. My right leg seems to be the sufferer of most of the pain; I figure that's because it got damaged in a car accident 14 years ago. I really haven't been able to do ballet like I used to since then. Okay, since I was 7 actually, if you want me to be more specific. That was when my Russian-born former ballerina ballet teacher in Salina, Kansas saw my huge potential and pulled me out of the class of 6 & 7 year olds and threw me in with the 10 to 12 age group. I kept up just fine, but then grew bored. Mom then signed me up for tap classes and baton twirling. Just for a bit of trivia, although I am left handed, I can only twirl a baton with my right hand. Of course when I got a little older I wondered, if I had been born in Communist Russia instead of the U.S., would I have been forced to become the world's best ballerina? We'll never know, especially not since that car accident. Anyway, back to my bitching. I don't know how a person is supposed to find a good computer chair. I've gone through quite a few and none of them seemed to work very well. My problem is, I'll sit in them in the store,they feel just fine, I fork over the hundred-plus dollars they all cost, and within a couple of weeks I know that I have yet another crappy chair. I sit on pillows, use those bruising massage things you put against your back, adjust the height, and nothing works for long. I need to find a way to work in zero gravity.

Treat or trick?

For a while there I was feeling pressure (admittedly from myself) to write a blog every day. I was talking to Jerry about it, how sometimes I just can't come up with anything to talk about, and he said, "Just write when you're inspired." That sounds like a pretty good idea. Takes the pressure off. I still haven't thought of anything profound to discuss, so I decided to tell a short cautionary tale instead. Jerry's been in a play, and the Friday before last I went with him and then stayed overnight at my sister's. I left the girls with Mom and made sure they had plenty to snack on. One of the snacks I purchased was dried plums (you know, they used to call them prunes but I guess it got the label of being old folks' food so they changed it). I know my children are smart, and I know they know about the power of prunes. Or so I thought. At about 11:30 that Friday night I received a phone call. "Mom, I'm sick! My stomach is messed up. " I told her to take some Pepto. "I've taken it twice." I told her maybe it was something she'd eaten. "Did Memaw take you out to get something fried for supper? That might do it." I was informed that no, they ate at home. "I ate about 6 dried plums, though," she said. I tried hard not to laugh, "That'll do it. Don't worry about the Pepto. You'll be fine. Don't you know about prunes?" "Yes, but I didn't think it would be like that!" So, the lesson here is, be specific about telling your children about the wonderful powers of different foods. She still eats them, but no more than 2 a day. "They're delicious but I don't trust them," is what she says now. And no, I'm not going to specify which child this is - they'd be embarrassed enough to know I actually talked about this at all.

Film Festivals

An idea occurred to me this morning so I thought I'd look into the matter a bit further. What if we went somewhere for a honeymoon where the town was holding a film festival? That might be fun! Jerry's been to plenty, but I never have unless you count the time the whole family sat around my grandparents' house when I was a kid and watched old home movies. First step's first, so I did a search "film festival" 2011 and "Memorial Day weekend". Quite a few items popped up. If we're looking for SciFi, the Balticon in Baltimore, Maryland, is having a short film festival then as part of their science fiction/fantasy convention. I'm not sure being around hundreds of Trekkies would be the most romantic destination. How about comics? We could go to the Phoenix Comicon Film Festival. There's also the Mountainfilm Festival in Telluride, Colorado. Or maybe we could try the Waterfront Film Festival - Saugatuck
Saugatuck, MI. The website didn't have many details available, so I've got no idea what it's about. Besides, it's in Michigan. I lived there when I was 5. It's the only place I've ever gotten beat up. How about the 36th Annual Seattle Film Festival. True, it lasts 25 days so we wouldn't get to see everything, but I've been to Seattle and it's beautiful and there's plenty of other stuff to do there as well. For instance, there's also a horror festival going on at the same time. Decisions, decisions. Guess we can sleep on it, but I hope I don't start having dreams about the horror convention!

To see or not to see

That's the question I've been pondering lately. I wear glasses to keep things in focus. I discovered I needed them in my mid 20's while driving. There was a speed limit sign up ahead but I couldn't read the speed. To be fair, it was dusk and the sign was dirty, but at the point where I could usually read those large black numbers it was fuzzy. Everything finally came into focus, it just took a little while. I can never remember if far sighted means you can see far or can't. Anyway, I can't. It isn't too bad, but stuff isn't really in focus if it's far away. I do like the look of my frames, and when I get my eyes rechecked in the spring I'll probably get another pair just like them. I just don't think I want our wedding photos to have me wearing glasses. I'd rather be frame-free. Just wear contacts is what most people would tell me to do. Oh, if only I could find a pair that didn't irritate my eyes. I hate having anything touch or even come close to touching my eyeballs. I can put on mascara and eyeliner, but when I try applying a contact lens it looks as if my hand is possessed by someone else, someone trying to force a foreign object into an eye that clearly has other ideas. Even when I hold my eyelids open with my other hand, my eye somehow manages to blink just as the lens comes in contact with it, thereby shooting the contact into the sink. After wrestling with myself for about 20 minutes, the end result is always the same - one eye is able to see clearly with the lens and the other one is fighting the irritation the lens is causing, blinking, watering, trying to focus while I feel as though an eyelash is in there trying to poke my eye out. No matter how much eye juice I apply, the scratchy feeling never goes away. I just end up taking the suckers out (another wrestling match with myself) and putting my glasses back on. So, there's my dilemma. Do I wear my glasses or attempt contact lenses? Maybe I'll just go without vision correction entirely. I can see everything close up just fine. I can even type this without my glasses and read everything on the page. I'd like everything to be in focus, though. This spring when I get new glasses, I guess I'll get the contact lens exam at the same time. That way I'll have a sample pair of contacts I can try to wear. Maybe I can keep my glasses in Jerry's coat pocket for emergencies. Otherwise, if you see me scrunching up my face I'm not trying to be cute, I'm just squinting so I can see!

Ah, modern medicine!

Ever have the kind of headache that moves around your skull? It's as if it decides that giving pain in one area just wasn't good enough so it moves on to try someplace else. That's what I woke up with this morning. It started feeling like a sinus headache just over my left eyebrow. After getting the girls off to school I decided to lie back down, hoping it would go away if I could drop off to sleep. No dice, it stayed around and kept me awake. Once I got up, though, it decided to move around to the back of my head. Nice! Guess it changed from being a sinus type of headache to a tension one. There was a time when I was having after-effects from chemo. I'd get the most horrendous headaches but they wouldn't let me take anything for fear of damaging my liver. I'd suffer for several days with intense pain across the entire front of my head. The only thing I could use was Head On, but it really didn't do anything but make my forehead feel minty fresh. Now that I'm back to normal (or as close to normal as I'll ever be) I'm a firm believer in, "If it hurts and they make a medicine for it, take the medicine." I took a Goody's Powder (orange flavored, of course) and tried to be patient while it did it's magic. The wait just got to be too long, so I slid my hand up the back of my neck and grabbed a fistful of hair at the base of my skull and pulled. For some reason this helps relieve the pain. Maybe the new pain distracts from the old, but whatever the reason it does make the headache less painful. I held on for several minutes, then gradually released my hair and the Goody's Powder had kicked in. Oh, hallelujah! Now I can get on with my day. Thank goodness it's my day off. Maybe I can go back to sleep. If Goody's ever needs a product endorser I'd be more than happy to do it. They can even pay me in product.

Don't Look!

I have a confession to make. It's the embarrassing kind, the kind you'd rather nobody know. Gonna share my story anyway; maybe we'll bond. Work has been going slowly again, so we've been told to work when it's there, be flexible, and just come and go throughout the day. I had to run to Wal-Mart because Marilyn was out of eye juice (that's what we call contact lens fluid). First of all, it's freezing cold outside lately. This skinny girl needs Cuddle Duds to keep her warm, because jeans alone just don't do the job. I search all through the closet, and none are found, even though I know I own a pair of white ones. The girls were wearing the 2 pair of black ones we have, but that last pair were just gone. Dang! Well, at least my feet will be warm in my socks and boots. But where are my boots? Why, they're off at school on Marilyn's feet! I don't like her boots - they come up to the knee and just don't look right on me. Now my wardrobe was gonna be cold jeans and ballerina flats where the entire lower half of my body will be frozen solid on the walk from the parking lot to the door. Suddenly my standards drop. It is now more important for me to stay warm than look presentable. I'm already wearing long, baggy, warm, fleece exercise pants. Guess they're staying on. I throw on the Cuddle Duds top I found and layer it with another long sleeved shirt. Then I pull some over-the-knee socks out of the drawer. Aah, cozy! I put Marilyn's Nike sneakers on, throw my hair in a ponytail, grab my super-warm jacket and head out the door. After pulling into a parking space I glance at myself in the mirror. Oh, what's this world coming to when I decide I should step out without any makeup? I walk through the store doing my shopping, wishing I wouldn't look conspicuous if I kept my hood up the entire time. I feel as though I had joined the ranks of the People of Wal-Mart. Is that what happens? Do people just decide it doesn't matter what they look like? Unlike me, they seem comfortable with their shopping wardrobes and hairstyles. At least I didn't get any pointing and staring, nor did I catch anyone whipping out their cell phone to grab a picture and post it online. Maybe I pulled off the "harried lady stopping by on her way home from yoga class" look. That's what I'm going to imagine, anyway.

Ribbon Princess Instructions

Here's my way of making ribbon princesses. I decided to demonstrate with Cinderella, since I needed to make another one for Erin's friend for Christmas anyway. I hope these are easy to follow. First, you'll need 3/8" ribbon in flesh color, bright blue, light blue and yellow. I also got 1/4" flesh colored ribbon for the arms (and if you're making Pocahantas, legs) because it isn't as bulky as using the wider ribbon. Also, I wouldn't recommend this as a craft for kids unless you are there to do a certain part, or you pre-cut all the ribbon and heat seal the ends yourself before they begin. That might be a better idea, anyway, so they won't see you playing with fire and think it's okay. To heat seal, and you'll need to do this on every piece of ribbon you use so it won't come unraveled, just flick a lighter and hold the ribbon near it, rotating it so as to seal the entire end. It will get hot and can burn you, so please be careful! I got some Aleen's Tacky Glue, which costs a whole lot less than FabricTac but seems to do a good job. I also use those little snap barettes to hold my ribbon together while the glue dries so I can move on to something else. The drying is the longest part of this process.


1. Cut a 3" piece of flesh colored ribbon (remember the heat sealing!). Put a dab of glue on one end and fold it over to make a loop. Secure until dry. This will be your princess's head.


2. Cut a 1-1/4" piece of bright blue ribbon. Place a dab of glue on the back of the body just below the head area and glue one end of the blue ribbon here. Put another dab of glue on the back of the blue ribbon you just glued down and wrap the ribbon around her front, securing it in back. This will make her top.


3. Cut a 1-1/2" piece of the 1/4" flesh colored ribbon. Round the edges a bit, then heat seal to make the arms. Fold this over in the middle and secure with glue. These will be the arms. Glue this to the back of the bodice.


4. Cut a piece of light blue ribbon about 1" long. Seal the ends then cut in half lengthwise and seal the cut sides. Wrap these around the top part of the arms where they meet the bodice and glue. Now you have sleeves.

5. Take 2 pieces of 3" bright blue ribbon. After sealing, place close together lengthwise, add glue to one end and fold around to make a loop. Then take 2 pieces of 2-1/2" light blue ribbon, placing on the outsides of the longer blue pieces and secure in the same place on the tops of the bright blue ribbons, making the sides of her skirt.

6. I fold the skirt so the edges of the ribbon don't show, then glue it down on the body.

7. The hair is a little involved. After sealing the end of 3" yellow ribbon, I folded over a little piece and glued it into place for bangs. Once that was dry, I tied a knot close to the bangs, then twisted it until it was how I liked it, then glued this hair into place. It held better when I clamped the bangs down in front and the back end down as well with a separate barette to get it to stick to the curve of the head.

8. Sew on a pin back or glue it to an alligator hair clip and you're finished!

This Just In

Jerry and I spent the weekend together, and it was great. The one bad part about it is whenever it's just the 2 of us time flies by so quickly. Once when we were off on a trip I actually lost a day and was shocked when he told me it was Thursday. "No, that's impossible! It's only Wednesday. Where did Wednesday go?"

I realize I haven't blogged in a few days, first because I wasn't home and rarely on my computer, and then yesterday I actually had work to do all day. Sometimes it's hard to come up with something to talk about. Today I thought I'd just update a couple of things I've been working on.

First, the Epislim does seem to be working well. I'm not sure if that's because of the combination of the Smooth Effects deodorant or just the machine itself, but the results are very nice. I've either gotten used to the pain or it actually doesn't hurt anymore. Will I post a picture? Probably not. Sounds kinda strange, "Hey, honey, will you take a picture of my armpits for my blog?"

Second, I actually did find time to start making those Disney princesses out of ribbon. It is a little time consuming (mostly because of waiting for the fabric glue to dry), but it's fun, slightly relaxing and the end result is really cute. Since there's no work for me this morning, I may try and take time to photograph some step by step instructions on how to make them since it's hard to find directions for them online without paying for them. Or I may opt for a little nap instead. These are my own way of doing them, just coming up with things that look right as I went along. Pocahontas was the easiest, I think.

Finally, after realizing I'll need a toss bouquet, I made a few more coffee filter flowers, a button flower and a tissue paper flower Friday while Jerry was rehearsing his play. By the way, he was so great! He didn't look like somebody just standing there reciting some words he'd memorized - he was that character. Pretty good considering he had only joined the cast 2 weeks before the show started and everyone else had been rehearsing for months. He never ceases to amaze me.

A More Serious Note

I have a relative, the child of one of my first cousins. I'm not sure if that makes her my second cousin or my first cousin once removed. To keep things simple, I just call her my little cousin. I have quite a few little cousins, children of my first cousins who are 10 years or so older than me. These little cousins are all around 20-25 years of age. This particular one has a thing for punks. You know the sort - skinny white guys with tattoos who listen to rap music, walk with some kind of strange limp they think makes them look all gangsta when all it really does is make them look like George Jefferson. They wear backwards baseball caps, baggy pants and if they have a shirt on it's a wife-beater. They call women ho and bitch. You know, a classy guy with lots of potential. The kind of guy you'd be an idiot not to marry. Well, she showed everyone - she married him last year. He probably did it because he'd joined the Army and didn't want to be alone when he moved off. The only time he doesn't ignore her is when he wants something from her. He treats her like crap, takes the car and leaves her stranded at home all the time, drinks constantly, calls her names, even physically assaults her. This comes as a surprise only to the little cousin - everyone else knew he was a bad seed. Funny thing is, this macho man is really a mamma's boy, calling her every day, telling her how horrible his wife is. And is his life insurance beneficiary the military issues his wife? Nope, it's his mom. Seems my little cousin has finally come to her senses lately and is ready to leave him. Good for her, I say. I know people always say, "Don't get involved. If you say something bad and they go back to him, they'll hate you." Well, life's too short. She asked my opinion and I gave it to her. She whined about it being hard because she loves him, and I told her he obviously doesn't love her because he treats her so poorly. I gave her an example - "You know he loves his mother. Would he ever treat her like he treats you? Nope!" She had never actually thought of it that way before. I hope she stays strong and will find a way to get enough money to pack up her stuff and go back home to her Memaw, who really does love her and will take her in. If she stays, she may hate me for a while for being honest, but I really think if that's going to be the situation, then the next time he's a jerk she'll know she can turn to me. All I have to do is think about the way Jerry treats me and know that is how a man should treat a woman. He always wants me to be happy, and values my opinion, wants to spend time with me, and is concerned about how I feel. For whatever reason, so many women never know this kind of love, and it's heartbreaking.

Wakulla Springs

This wouldn't be a normal honeymoon destination. I started thinking about it quite by happenstance. Someone on Facebook posted a link about something called Creature Fest, which is a film festival held by the Tallahassee Film Society (I had no idea that even existed) at Wakulla Springs, Florida. Why a national park? Because that's where they filmed The Creature from the Black Lagoon. They also filmed all those old Tarzan movies starring Johnny Weissmuller there. Made me start thinking it might be a nice place to spend a couple of nights, what with the pretty hotel and the movie history. I went to the park's website and browsed. It's very pretty, and they've got nice accommodations. They even have lots of weddings out there. Curious, I sent them an email asking about prices, etc., and if they still had the Creature Fest because I didn't see it on their site. I was informed that they no longer held that film festival there, so that was disappointing. Then I got the price for wedding rentals. It was $875, and that included cleaning fees, but no food. And you had to use their catering, so there's no telling how much that would come to. Suddenly the thoughts of a romantic location with "abundant wildlife" transformed into an expensive place with lots of snakes and alligators around. Then Jerry brought up a good point, "May is mosquito season!" Nothing like plaguing all of your guests with West Nile as a wedding favor. The idea of playing Tarzan suddenly sounded more like, "Me Jerry, you crazy!"

Don't throw that away - I might need it later!

Last night I did something I hardly do any more. I sat down to watch a TV show. I was actually trying to rest my leg because the sciatica that developed because I spend way too much time in a crappy computer chair started bothering me again, but since the book I'm wanting to read is on hold at the library I turned on the telly. Something called "Hoarders" was on, a show about people who have a severe form of OCD in which they have a compulsion to keep everything that's ever come into their possession. Everything, including old Styrofoam carry-out boxes from restaurants, every piece of junk mail they've ever received, even garbage is crammed into every corner of their homes. I guess we can thank them for keeping the landfills a little more empty, but it's really sad. Not only sad but unhealthy. I'm figuring all of them have infestations of some sort, be it bugs or rodents or both. The show sends in professional doctors, therapists and cleaners and helps these poor people out. My first thought while watching was, "Dang, what a mess!" Then I think, "Thank goodness I'm not that bad." Then I think, "But could I be?" I save stuff, not because I can't throw it away, but because I really can use it later. At the time I didn't think I'd ever need a vintage pink prom dress, but boy is it coming in handy now that I need a wedding dress. My grandmother was pretty frugal. She saved stuff most people threw out. Hell, she came up with liquid soap way before any soap company did. When the bar of soap got too small to use in the bathtub, she'd take the little broken pieces and put them in an old pump bottle with some water so it could dissolve, shaking it occasionally to help it along and tah-dah, liquid soap! Of course, there's a very thick line between being practical and saving useful things and being crazy and saving everything in sight, I hope.

Wait, what was I talking about?

I wonder if a person can develop attention deficit disorder later on in life. I definitely know I don't have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but I could sure use the energy. When I was little I could concentrate on something and totally block out the world around me. I was so good at focusing you'd have thought I was part camera lens. Now it seems I'm very easily distracted. I realize I've got a lot of stuff on my plate, but really, who doesn't? I got a nice email from Jerry's sister-in-law telling me they were planning on coming down for the wedding. That's wonderful! And the children can be in the wedding, which is fantastic. Okay, Coy's got his Spiderman suit all ready to go, but I need to find a dress for little Kendall. Of course, I got to etsy for ideas. Because she's tiny, I thought an adjustable dress like a pillowcase dress would work well. These dresses are so cute and versatile, they can be worn in the spring and summer, then in winter just throw them over a turtleneck and leggings, and when the girl outgrows them she can use it as a shirt. I think I need some of these in my wardrobe. Not that I'd expect to outgrow them. I was debating on whether to purchase one or make one myself and went over to youtube to see how hard it was to do, then from that posting decided she'd need a ribbon for her hair, of course, and browsed those. Then I found some hair bow instructions and that lead me to these! All the girls, Marilyn and Erin and their 2 cousins, although Erin is the youngest and the oldest is 19, love Disney princesses. Now I've decided to make them each one of these for Christmas. That is, if I don't get distracted.

Meats and cheeses, Mary, I feel awful!

Found the perfect way to wrap up a holiday weekend - food poisoning! Mom wanted to get out and do a little shopping, and she knew the girls were stir crazy, so we decided to head to Tallahassee. The mall was really crowded, but not uncomfortably so. I found one present there, for the boyfriend of the girl who lived with mom for a year while she finished high school (long story) and who still comes by and stays the night sometimes when she's back in town. She's very sweet, and her poor boyfriend was recently fired from Wal-Mart. Seems this has been happening quite a bit with their full time employees lately. They're still hiring, but only part time workers now. "We save money by not giving our employees benefits and pretend we pass those savings on to you!" That could be their next ad campaign! After mall shopping we were hungry and decided to head across town to a nice restaurant that made gourmet hamburgers. They were very good; I split one with mom and the girls split one. Afterwards we went to TJ Maxx where I was able to wrap up my Christmas shopping. I felt fine until we'd been home about an hour and a half. I was on the phone with Jerry when I asked him how long it takes to get food poisoning. I felt chills and feverish in turns and had waves of nausea. I took some Pepto but still felt bad. I talked to mom a bit later and she was feeling bad as well, so it had to be something we ate. Could have been the burger, but she likes it cooked to within an inch of it's life and the girls had theirs much more undercooked (my kids are vampires - they love blood). The only thing we had that was different was some avocado. It tasted fine, but you never know what kind of germs raw food is going to pick up in a restaurant kitchen. I brushed my teeth and hit the bed, and this morning seem to be alright. What a great way to start my work week!

Word Jumble

I work as a medical transcriptionist, typing out the mumbled words doctors half attempt to say or editing what the computer thinks they've said. I know lots of people that thought when the technology of speech recognition came out jobs like mine would be a thing of the past, but that just isn't true. The computers have a harder time understanding gibberish than humans do. Imagine the crazy things the computer attempts to "write" because the doctor talks with candy clicking against his teeth, or talks while yawning or burping, or just doesn't bother to open his mouth and form his words correctly while talking at a very high rate of speed. I have encountered all of these things, and it makes my work a stressful thing sometimes. It is funny to read what the computer "thought" these doctors said, though. When these move me to laughter, I take time out of my work to copy and paste them to a file so I can save them. For example, the computer program decided the doctor said, "Her sneeze has power of attorney," when in actuality he said, "Her niece has power of attorney". Or how about this for an allergy, "He is intolerant of legs." Really, the man was "intolerant of eggs." Now, I'll admit I'm not perfect, either. Just yesterday I was editing a report and was changing some words and instead of typing "deer hunting" I typed "dear hunting". I laughed as I caught my mistake. Then I started thinking this might be a good new phrase to start using. We've already got animal names for women who like dating younger men, "cougars". I told Jerry about it, and he liked the phrase. We decided it should be used to describe what a woman who's out looking for a husband is doing - she's dear hunting. Okay, you've heard it here first. If you see it anywhere besides Jerry or me writing about it, someone's lifted it. Maybe it can become a catch phrase. I've always wondered how those get started. Too bad I can't get a copyright and actually make a profit.

Tradition!

With the holiday season once again upon us, I've been thinking about traditions. My family has some, most notably the opening of presents on Christmas Eve night instead of Christmas Day. I don't know why that started - we've always done it since I can remember, and I think my Mom's family is the same way so that's probably where it came from. When I was younger I figured it was because we needed to clear space under the tree so Santa had room to deposit his loot. Another tradition, this one shared with most Americans, is trying to get the entire family together for Thanksgiving dinner. We've all at one time or another lived long distances away, but these last 2 years we've all been relatively close, within less than a 2 hour drive maximum. Mom always wears herself out making tons of food. This will be the first year Jerry joins my family for this holiday occasion. He's eaten with us as a group before, so I don't think it will be any different. It hasn't scared him off so far, so that's a good sign. I suppose once we're married we'll carry on this tradition of joining my family for Thanksgiving dinner. Nothing makes my mom happier than seeing all her kids and grand kids together, and she's such a wonderful person that it's nice to see her happy. Maybe Jerry and I will also start some traditions of our own. I'm sure we'll come up with some ideas. They don't even have to be associated with a holiday. Maybe we'll have a stay-in-bed-all-day-and-watch-movies tradition, or once a month ice cream for dinner. We already do have one tradition that we didn't even consciously come up with; it's just something we always do. Every time we leave one another's presence or even end a phone conversation with each other we say, "I love you".

No Pain, No Gain

I own a little machine that fits in the palm of my hand, and it's called an EpiSlim. It looks harmless enough until you start to notice the details. At the very top are these little metal butterfly shaped things. They look innocuous enough until you look closer. There must be at least 2 dozen pairs of them all around this little barrel, and this barrel spins around at a very high rate of speed when you turn the machine on. This makes the butterflies open and close, and when they reach the top of the barrel, they close together quickly, turning them into butterflies of pain. What this actually is is an epilator, or hair remover, and these butterflies are many, many pairs of fast-spinning tweezers. Yep, tweezers that spin around and rip the hair out as you glide the epilator over your skin. Just a run-of-the-mill beauty product that, had there been batteries invented back in medieval times, this would have been used as a torture device. "I don't know what I was thinking! Yes, yes, of course I'm a witch! Now will you please stop using that EpiSlim?!" If you can get past the pain, it really does work. And following the directions, if you pull your skin taut before ripping out the hair, it does hurt a bit less. I can't decide if it hurts worse or more than waxing does. It's supposed to, if you can bear to use it continually, make hair growth finer and in a less amount. So, for the sake of science I have decided to undergo an experiment. Instead of shaving under my arms I'm going to use the EpiSlim starting now and see if their claims are true. I'm thinking if I use this in combination with the new deodorant that touts "shave less often", I'll be looking smooth with no tell-tale signs of razor stubble or burn. I'll post an update if I can't tolerate the pain or all of the ad claims are bogus.

"If you want it, here it is. Come and get it."

In times likes these, it seems everybody wants something for nothing. I'll admit to being one of those people. If someone's got something just sitting around their house they don't want anymore and I need it or could use it, I'd be happy to take it off their hands for them. Likewise, if I've got something to get rid of, I'd like it if someone could come pick it up and find a use for it. It also helps cut down on using the landfill, this re-using of things. When I was young nobody my age would ever admit to stepping into a Wal-Mart, let alone saying their clothes came from there. And Goodwill?! Never in a million years could you get that kind of confession out of a teenager. Times have certainly changed, and thankfully for the better in this case. Some kids even blog about wardrobe finds from thrift stores. If you just change your word usage from "second-hand" and "used" to "vintage" and "up-cycled" your whole perspective can change. Even things you swear nobody in their right mind would want, like that sickly green 1970's leisure suit your dad (okay, my dad) used to wear, there is actually someone out there who is willing to take it off your hands or even pay you good money for it. Don't believe me? Check this out. If you don't want to make the effort to start a new etsy store and sell all your old, I mean retro, clothing, try this instead. Freecycle is the place where you really can get something for nothing. I tried and know it works. All you have to do is sign up for a group near you and log on. Then browse to see what's being given away, or make your own posting. If you're looking for something, just ask. You never know what someone is willing to get rid of. Just follow their instructions and safety precautions. This could be a great way to find wedding decorations, or even a dress.

It was either a very slow day at the makeup counter or I looked really, really bad.

I got accosted at the mall Saturday. The woman was very quick. Since the girls wanted to browse, I decided to stop in one of the large department stores and see if I could snag a sample of Dermablend. Apparently there's not a cosmetics lady for that little counter. The Lancome ladies, though, quickly assured me that wasn't what I wanted or needed, and before I could turn around the leader of the 2 had wiped half of my makeup off my face! I couldn't very well go running around the mall with half my makeup off, so I had to sit in the chair and get the rest of my face wiped clean and start from scratch. Thankfully we had plenty of time to kill. They had apparently gotten in some new type of makeup, but after she slathered 5 different shades on my face to no avail, she decided to go with what she always used for most people. "It's our best seller," she claimed. Well, I imagine it would be since it's the one you're always using on people when you throw them in your chair. She did have a good personality, though. She was pretty funny, talking to me about the wig she was wearing. "It's lace front, like Beyonce wears." I knew exactly what she was talking about, having had to wear a wig when I lost my hair. "Oh, those are high quality. Tyra wears them, too," I say. "Mmm, hmm! She's been wearing them for years and she wasn't gonna tell us that she wore them, either. Finally found out, though!" She got my foundation color on and decided she needed to finish my face. "Can't let you go out there looking like you ain't finished!" I'll say, that's why I sat down in the first place. Got powdered, blushed, then slightly freaked out when she started applying mascara. It wasn't just the "here comes something sharp directly aimed at your eyeballs" that usually freaks me out. The brush also vibrated! What the heck was that all about? Then she looked at my mouth. "You don't have much of a mouth, do you?" What? Where'd it go?! I told her I was a lipless wonder. She then decided I needed fuller lips and over-lined my mouth with a dark brownish pencil, then filled it in with something she called pomegranate gloss. Oh, it was scary looking! The girls were trying not to laugh, and I discretely wiped most of it away while she was busy writing out the list of products she had applied on me. When she looked back at me she said, "Now, that looks pretty." My reward for sitting there, though, were not 1 but 2 sample bottles of makeup. Afterwards we headed to the food court to grab a quick bite. As I was called next in line by the cheerful cashier at Chic-Fil-A, a little girl of about 3 stepped in front of me and put her arms up on the counter. I looked down at her and said, "Oh, are you going to order?" She smiled up at me and stepped to the side (she was waiting on her order with her mommy). I got my snack and met back up with the girls who, of course, had to have a snack from the other side of the court. As I sat down I realized that I was wearing quite a bit of makeup, and the girls concurred. Maybe that little girl smiled at me because she thought I was a clown. I took out my little mirror and realized it wasn't too bad in this lighting. Besides, Erin informed me, if the little girl thought I was a clown she would have screamed because kids hate clowns.

Something That Rings True

As the entire world knows by now, the future King of England now has an official future wife. This should be a nice distraction from all the war, bad economy and global warming that's been bothering us. I'm sure there are loads of people out there who are following every second of this event, and have already planned to Tivo the wedding so they can watch it over and over again. These are probable the same people and their children who went crazy over the wedding of Charles and Diana. If it keeps them happy and out of traffic, I'm fine with it. It is a bit everywhere at the moment, though, whenever I go to Yahoo. Prince William decided to use his mother's engagement ring so that, as he put it, she could be a part of this, too. I thought that was a lovely sentiment. It also seems like it would mean that Kate means quite a bit to him for him to want her to have his mother's ring. I told Jerry about that story, and he thought it was very sweet and sentimental. I know I'd be very flattered and touched. Seems like there's some crazies out there, though, those cynical people who can't find joy in anything. They said things like, "That's morbid" or "creepy". What?! They didn't open her grave and take the ring off her corpse, for crying out loud! This is a man who lost his mother when he was young and now is signifying that the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with is very important to him. If that's creepy, give me a creep any day.

Did a memo go out?

It seems like anyone who was some sort of celebrity chose last weekend to announce their engagement. I mean anyone - from the dude who was dumped by LeeAnn Rimes (see my last blog) to Prince William, everyone tried to grab their little bit of spotlight. I think first came the ex-Mr. Rimes. Headlines read sappy stuff like, "Hearts Can Heal". Then he was overshadowed by Nick Lachey, former husband of Jessica Simpson. He used to be the more famous one, and her father made him get a prenup when they got married. Turned out she became more rich and famous than he was and he got a nice bit of walking away money. Really, though, he does deserve it. How long can you be expected to stay with someone who doesn't know the difference between tuna and chicken and then sleeps with one of the guys from Jackass? Then his thunder was stolen by none other than his ex-wife, Jessica Simpson. Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, they were all eclipsed in the happy announcements by the future King of England. Nobody even bothered trying to top that one.

Is the correct term man-stealer or home wrecker?

This has nothing to do with Jerry's and my relationship; I want to make that perfectly clear, so don't panic. This is just something I've noticed and is kinda on the subject of marriage and I thought would make a good post, maybe even start a debate or get you thinking. One day while I was reading some article about hairstyles, I somehow followed some links that ended up on a crazy article about a magazine that apologized for publishing a photo. No, it wasn't some celebrity caught without their underpants on. It was, I believe, Shape Magazine, and they said they were sorry to have offended readers by putting Leeann Rimes on their cover. Not because she wasn't in good shape, but because she is a man-stealer. I can understand if the title of their mag was Monogamous Mommas or something, but it's a magazine about exercising, and she was talking about how she used exercise to help her through a rough patch and get toned up. Apparently some people, mostly women, like to use the term home wrecker. I find it hard to see logic in their way of thinking, though. If a man leaves his wife for another woman, what kind of term do they have for him? Is he a wife-leaver? Seems like the "other woman" takes the brunt of it. Angelina Jolie has been dealing with this label for years now, but she isn't the one who was married, Brad Pitt was. And nobody knows what goes on in a relationship besides the 2 people who are in it - that marriage could have been headed in the wrong direction for ages. And the anger seems misplaced. Just catch a bit of "Maury Povich" or "Jerry Springer" and you'll see what I mean. The unsuspecting girlfriend gets told by her boyfriend that he's been seeing another woman, then this said woman comes out from backstage. The girlfriend jumps up and starts fighting the new girl! No, not the man she thought she had a commitment with, the man who betrayed her love and embarrassed her on national television, but this other person. It's so wrong. Good for ratings, I guess. Jerry and I have similar thoughts on the subject, but he also brought up a good point that sometimes people can be very manipulative and deceitful. So, for the 2 cents it's worth, here's what I think. You can't "steal" a person, they aren't personal property. I also don't think, if his relationship is sound to begin with, that a man would even consider leaving. That's my opinion, take it or leave it.

Savannah

Savannah, Georgia is a coastal town full of history and ghosts. Neither Jerry or I have ever been there. I didn't even see the movie "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". I think it got bad reviews. I hope the actors' accents were true. One of my pet peeves is an actor that isn't from the south who tries to do a southern accent, even brags about having a diction coach, and then comes across sounding all wrong. It totally takes me out of a movie. Back to Savannah. There are a ton of B&B's there, which is something I discovered I liked on a trip Jerry and I took down to Monticello, Florida when we stayed at the John Denham House. Jerry and I are both interested in ghost stories, so we may even stay in a haunted inn. If we do research for Jerry's video, maybe we could even write the trip off. I know that Paula Deen lives there, and she's got a restaurant called The Lady and Sons. If you've ever spent any time watching the Food Network, you know it's all about southern cooking. What I didn't know is that it's also about very high prices. I never heard of chicken pot pie costing $18.99 before. Must be big enough to share. I used to watch her show all the time. I think butter flows through her veins. With fame she seems to have developed a heavier accent, as if she also hired one of those Hollywood diction coaches. She also smiles while holding her eyes wide open, giving her a slightly demented look. She's become a caricature of herself, hamming it up if you will, which is a shame. I doubt we'd run into her if we were there, anyway. Savannah has lots of tours to take, from walking tours to ghost tours. Jerry and I learned long ago while viewing the Ramses the Great exhibit in Dallas that group tours are not nearly as fun as going around by ourselves at our own pace and seeing just what we want to see.

Los Angeles

We've put Los Angeles on our list of places we'd like to take our honeymoon. Jerry lived there for quite a while and loves it. I wouldn't mind doing cheesy touristy stuff, like checking out the Walk of Fame, seeing Grauman's Theater, going to see the Hollywood sign. When I was a little kid I always wanted to go to the Brown Derby; I think I was intrigued by the look of a building shaped like a hat. Maybe we could do a studio tour and get on a game show. It'd be great to make enough winnings that our trip would be free! I think, though, that I'd rather get a tour of Jerry's LA, see where he used to live, enjoyed shopping, eating, or just hanging out, and meet any friends who didn't make it to the wedding. They should be warned, though, we will be expecting gifts from anyone who didn't come to the wedding but was invited. They can take us out to dinner if that'd be easier. If that's where we decide to go, I think we'll have to do some fast talking to keep the girls from throwing fits. They really want to go there, but I really don't want to take them on our honeymoon.